Dear Father Christmas

Naked Leader Week 799 – 3 December 2018

Time to Read: The time it takes to get up a chimney

Dear Father Christmas

I hope this e-mail finds you, and finds you well.

It is difficult to believe it is that time of year again. That wonderful season of goodwill, when we decorate our desks, go wild at our office parties and are really kind to each other.

I have been asked to write to you, and nominate presents for my fellow board members. We have all been very good this year, and so fully deserve to receive all on this list on Christmas night. I have written a short sentence about each of us, so you can understand the role we play in the organisation.

Chief Executive Officer

(The man who thinks he runs the company)

A joke book, to improve on his present attempts, which are not only deadly boring, but make no sense whatsoever (that doesn’t stop us laughing out of politeness and career security, though, every time he pauses)).

 Financial Director

(The woman who thinks she will run the company, after the man who currently thinks he runs the company)

An example of a clear, concise and compelling spreadsheet that everyone can understand – just the one – we’ve had enough of multiple spreadsheets.

 Sales and Marketing Director

(The man who can’t run the company, because he would sell it)

A mobile phone – to enable him to at least phone the rest of us when he makes a sale, so we have some advance idea of what we have just sold.

 HR Director

(The man who knows who runs the company, but it’s strictly private and confidential)

An automated Performance Related Pay scheme that calculates all of the salary increases on a completely random basis – just as we do at the moment, only faster and without hassle.

 IT Director

(The woman who wants to run the company, but is a little too busy right now)

A dictionary of acronyms, so that everyone in IT actually understands the meaning of all the TLA’s (Three Letter Acronyms) they use – I think they actually make many of them up.

By the way, Santa, if you ever decide to make a career move, please give me a call. You have all the characteristics we are looking for in our company:

1. Project Management – The ability to plan, work and deliver on time, every year – I don’t remember presents not arriving on time, ever – well done!
2. No-one sees you delivering – just like many of us feel every day!
3. You have to meet people’s requirements, and expectations, no matter how unreasonable and expensive.

With my love and best wishes

David

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