founder of naked leader
Confessions of a Russian
Naked Leader Week 965 – 14 March 2022
Three important things about what you are about to read:
1. It is word for word as sent to me – unedited
2. I have confirmed this person is real
3. Their identity has been protected and all names have been changed
David
Confessions of a Russian
‘Today I received yet more hate messages and one death threat. Of course I am devastated, but that doesn’t stop me reading them over and over, not blinking. After all, I understand what people are saying – a part of me feels I deserve them.
I guess, like any Russian person in the world, I can’t help feeling responsible. I feel ashamed – the country of my birth, of my parents and grandparents, of my childhood, is an invader.
Invader – what a terrifying word. And as for Ukrainian people, I am scared to look them in the eye. And even though I wasn’t the one responsible for the invasion, I can’t help feeling ashamed. For me, Ukrainian people are not just our neighbouring nation. Ukrainian people are us. So many Russians are a little bit Ukrainian and vice versa. My grandmother was a Ukrainian. At a genetic and cultural level, we are very much as one, and that is what makes this war particularly terrifying.
Half of our company’s development team is based in Ukraine. Some of them fled the country hoping to escape the conflict, and others have stayed behind. Meet Oxana and her little boy Pasha. Three weeks ago Oxana was a Marketing professional working with me on our creative ideas for our business here in Europe, creating a new brochure and social media content. Today, Oxana is digging trenches until her arms go numb. Every morning I write to her with my heart skipping a beat, praying that I will get a response.
And I want to tell Oxana so much, my soul wants to scream, ‘I am sorry.’ I am so sorry for being a coward, for not speaking up enough, for not having a voice in the country of my birth, for not fighting harder to stop the war. I am sorry for your losses, I am sorry for our soldiers invading your country, I am sorry for the ruined lives. I am so sorry. And I wish I could make it up to you if that were even possible.
The reality is I can’t say those things loudly, as my sister and her family with young children are in Moscow, and, well, I am terrified to imagine that my outspoken actions could cause them harm. Therefore I am writing here anonymously.
Where did it all go so wrong? At times it feels like some horrible, virtual computer game, and I am desperately searching for the switch to shut this game down. But there is no switch – it is all so tragically real.
I am not seeking any kind of sympathy or understanding, I just wanted to share what I believe most Russians are feeling – that Putin does not represent my country. Russia is Dostoyevsky and Tolstoy, Tchaikovsky and Rachmaninoff. It is the country of Pushkin. It is a country of our grandfathers who liberated Europe from Hitler. Russia is the country of my childhood, my youth, my family, my friends, my town, and also those beautiful, blue Irises, which grow along my street… Please, don’t hate the Irises.
May peace come soon.’
X
@nakedleader across all social media